Because I want to win this game

I don’t know how to start this

Maybe I’m just typing stupid stuff again

Talking about shit about life

Maybe start from who I think I am?

Well, I think im quite good at studies, not very good but just a lil above average

I always have weird ideas

I like to fantasize about scenarios that would never happen in real life all the time

I’m annoying af and gets annoyed easily

Super lazy, so I’ll think of ways that I can get my shit done the laziest way

I didn’t really love myself

I guess probably most people are struggling with loving themself

I think I’m stubborn

I hate many things

I’m an introvert in real life, I still am

I feel like sometimes my brain is messed up and not messed up at the same time

I think many people hate me

I’ve hurt many people and animals

Well, I hit my dog because I thought that’s the right way to train dogs and get mad when they didn’t get it right

and I’ve bullied people who I thought they deserves it because they’re so shit

I’m no different than those who have bullied me back in school and online

I stole things from people because I thought they owe me

I used to blame about all these behaviours on other people

I blamed it on my family

I blamed it on the person who has forced me to do stuff

I blamed it on people who bullied me at school and online

I blamed it on my teacher who would always find fault in me if given the opportunity because she’s not happy with my mom a.k.a. her colleague or maybe supervisor

I blamed it on people who have broked my heart and trust

Well, I actually did the same shit they did to me

I’m so fucked up in many ways I know it

I know there are many people are struggling to live their life

I am too

I’m trying to live with all these guilt and I can’t seem to let them go

I didn’t walk my dog because I was falling in love with some dude online and I was too lazy

I moved out from my house to pursue studies in other state because I didn’t like my home

I’m really sorry, to my dog

I left him

I’m the one who wanted to take him back home

and I’m also the one who has abandoned him

I know no matter how many times I say sorry and how sorry I am won’t bring him back or change the things I’ve done

So I will only get pets when I’m ready to commit

How about the people I’ve hurt?

I don’t know, I’m a coward

I’m still figuring out

Should I apologize to them?

Should I just be a better person to other people?

I can’t be a perfectly nice person for sure

But I’m trying

I have “friends” that have known me maybe like for few months?

and all of the sudden, they hate me, because people that hates me told them about things

I thought they were telling lies about me

Maybe its their truth, but it wasn’t my truth

I was hurt because no one stand up for me

So i resorted to bullying others to make myself feel better

But that doesn’t mean its ok to do it

It’s something that I’ve always regretted in my life

Maybe during my high school era I am actually not depressed

I was just trying to get attention by saying that I’m depressed and I wanna suicide all that shit

I acted like I was some random stranger’s friend but I’m actually not

I wanted to look like I have friends

I made up some stories, told some lies

I convinced myself that I was depressed and I wanted to die

One day, I really wanted to die

I was screaming

Really hard

I wanted someone to help me

I tried to reach out but

No one really hears me

I feel like I’m drowning in the sea

I cant see the shore or anyone

No one is there

I did get some help

but after that

I feel more lonelier ever

I stopped reaching out for help

I stopped talking about what’s inside my head

People are probably tired of my shit

I’m drowning again

Probably most people are like this

they have friends but they don’t really have people to talk about their shit

You know, everytime I try to disappear

some people will get worried about me

they will ask about me

but when I start to open up

they’re like uh huh, then no reply

I mean what the fuck man

If you don’t mean it, then don’t ask how am I

Sorry I’m not trying to blame but it actually hurts

when you think people care about you but they actually don’t

Yes, you don’t care and it’s ok

Just don’t act like you care because you think it’s your responsiblity

It’s not. It’s ok to not give a fuck. It’s better than giving a false fuck you know?

Okay, maybe people do really care but not in a way I want them to

I got offended because I think people should care about me

I know no one is obligated to give a fuck about me

Only I can change myself to make myself feel better

But those are my thoughts at that moment

When I feel like stop existing

I jokingly said “I want to die”

Actually I really want to die

The reply I got was “yeah you should go die”

I know it’s a joke but I start to realize how serious this kind of joke is

I started get angry when people make jokes about suicide

like when people joke about “why don’t you just kill yourself?” “you should just die”

I know, I know, not everyone is sensitive

I can’t expect everyone to stop making jokes about suicide

I couldn’t say “I want to die” to anyone verbally

I can only type

I’m so tired

I hate it when everyone treats me like a joke

especially when I tell them what I’m actually thinking

the stuff I’m upset about

and not acknowledging my feelings especially people I really care

I really hope someone can stand on my side

Just once..

I guess you reap what you sow

That’s karma

I always have this same nightmare, different dream, different people, different place but it’s the same thing

I’m trying to run away from something or someone

At first it was zombies, then people who hates me a lot

I think it’s probably trauma from my childhood

I was being bullied by relatives too

I have this relative who would suddenly get mad at me and scold me

Try to hit me with a hammer and stuff

then I’ll run away from that relative

Maybe there’s more to that but I remember my childhood was very lonely eventhough I have 2 siblings

I hate people since young

As in I would always hide inside the car when my mother drove me to see other relatives or her friends who likes to talk shit about me

I don’t know if I had anxiety attack or panic attack

I started to get them since last year maybe?

Apparently they are different things

Everytime when I worry about something

I have this feeling like I can’t do anything but I want to do something to stop thinking about the problem

If I’m eating, I’ll lose my appetite immediately

I have this pressure on my chest

Maybe I did have depression

back when I first date a dude

Many people knew what he did to me and some refuse to acknowledge it

They chose to support that dude

It’s ok you do you but they would deliberately try to hurt me

As if I did something to them

I have to be very careful of every single word I said to that guy

if I said something wrong, he would scold me and call my phone

he makes me feel like I did something wrong, I shouldn’t have friends, I shouldn’t enjoy things I love

I have to become who he wants me to become

Then I realized I frequently switch my mobile ringtone when I was dating that dude

It’s one of my mistakes, for dating him

You know why did I switch my ringtone?

Because I always get startled everytime my phone rings

and I started to hate every ringtone I have used

I started to understand what backstabbers are that time

people who would act nice infront of me and secretly supported the guy who harassed me every day

and understand the importance of helping someone, standing up for someone

Strangers did a better job of protecting me than the “friends” I knew that time

I was stupid piece of shit

I thought everything was my fault

I said wrong things and I did wrong things

So I punished myself by hurting myself

I stop eating and sleeping for few days

Hoping that someday my body couldn’t take it and I die

I started to scratch my wrist

I didnt cut my wrist because it would leave scars

I don’t want anyone to see it

Even after breaking up, I was still hurting myself with the same method

for maybe 5-7 years

I was mildly suicidal but I didn’t thought about how to die and stuff you know

I just hope that my body will stop functioning and die

2 years ago something fucked up happened

Something I’d never expect it to happen

That was the worst period of my life

I really wanted to die so bad

I keep replaying my death in my head

How I’m going to cut my wrist

How many family would react when they find out I died

Where am I going to die

How about the place I rent in Australia

Do I move my stuff first?

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone

I was being blamed and pushed away

by the person I loved and cared about

It hurts so deep that I feel like I’m going crazy soon

I had help, at that time.. by my friend

I mean its not my friend’s job to take care of my emotions

but the second time I feel like dying

I tried to reach out to my friend and someone I think I could trust

the reply i got ended with a “haha”

That was the moment I thought to myself

Maybe everyone is like that

No one would be 100% with you all the time

I couldn’t rely on anyone

I know it’s not your responsibility

I cant help but to feel disappointed and hopeless

Then I tried to hurt other people who didn’t know me well

Yeah I stopped contacting them already

My mind was seriously fucked

That time I was hoping maybe these random people could comfort me

and when I got what I want, I will disappear

before I got to actually know them

karma hit me

Really hard

My room got robbed.

Just my room.

Was it my neighbour?

Was it my housemate?

I don’t know

I lost my laptop

I think I should die

I saved up to buy my own laptop instead of stealing

Everytime I open my eyes I will start to cry

Whenever I fall into deep depression like this

every time I wake up from sleep

I would forget about who am I and what happened for maybe 2-3 seconds

then all of these heavy emotions would come back

and then I’ll start to cry

God gave me a second chance

I know, you might be an atheist

I actually prayed to God that the thieves return my laptop

If they actually returned my laptop, I will try stop myself from hurting others

They really returned it.. they left it on my balcony

What’s creepy is my boyfriend helped me to leave a note at my balcony asking them to return my laptop

That means they came back and saw the note… holy shit

I wasn’t only upset about my laptop being stolen

I was also scared, like REALLY SCARED

because someone IS WATCHING ME

I have irregular working hour but I work on every Tuesday

They knew it so they picked Tuesday

It’s my fault I didn’t lock my balcony

My room was so messy

It felt so icky to touch my stuff

I didn’t even feel like sleeping in that room

I was so paranoid

Since then I would always check if I’ve locked the door right and everything

but the nightmares they were different this time

Now I keep getting the same nightmare

Same place, same people

The new nightmare was about people were trying to break in my house (back in my hometown)

I’m constantly guarding my home

I’m constantly in fear

I guess I never got over it

Maybe this is called “trauma”?

A lot of things happened in the house I rented

The people there weren’t nice

They accused me of making drama by “robbing” my own room because I got my laptop back and I didn’t tell them

What the fuck

I didn’t know who to trust so fuck you

You see, when you hurt someone it will leave scars like this

and they will never ever really fade

That’s why I’m angry with myself for hurting other people

because it might leave a scar on them too

My health got worse recently and I realised that I didn’t really want to die

I want to live and continue to achieve more positive goals in my life

I don’t have many friends

I don’t have good childhood memories

but I don’t want to die

I don’t want my haters to win

I want to live a life better than them

I want to do better and be a better person

I want to become an emotionally invunerable person

I want to win this game

2 thoughts on “Because I want to win this game

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